I see my Self every day, and I wonder how I can get other people to believe that what they see is me. My Self is there and there and there. I know it. I feel it. I have no doubt that I see my Self. It is real. I see it as luminous spheres in many shapes and sizes – circles, discs, oval planks, lenticular, conical, winged, finned. My Self has a centre which is everywhere and an identity which is nowhere. It has my eyes upon it and I see everything before and behind, and around, all at once. I see it in the moon. I see it in my shadow. I see it in the sun. I see it everywhere.
I ask of my Self to float in nothing, to have no sense of it, no sound, no gravity, my senses dead, and I am floating in complete darkness, and to find I am still my Self. I know that I exist. And I know that the subject and object of this experience is my Self.
I was thus born into this world and a being all at once, created with my limbs established; and even if I do not see them, and if it happens that I do not touch them and my limbs do not touch each other, and I hear no sound and I am ignorant of the existence of the totality of my Self, I would still be aware of the existence of my being as one thing, while being ignorant of all around me. And when I think I am sinking in an oil slick I am the same.
There is no-one who could convince me otherwise. But I feel terrible knowing that what I see I cannot prove to anybody. And so I must try and leave it in the mystery of my personality. What I see I make extra-ordinary in what I see when I carry on with my daily life. I see what everyone with operating eyes can see. I share what they see and I recognize them with words other people use to describe the same thing, like the sky for instance. I experience seeing the sky with other people. But only I can see my Self and the words that describe it as mine, but sadly I am yet able to share it with anyone else. If no–one believes me when I say I see my Self then I should accept I am truly alone.
But this is difficult. I do not always want to be alone. One time I was travelling in a train in Sydney when all of a sudden an alarm went off. When the train stopped all the passengers quickly jumped out and ran off down the platform. I was the last to get off the train but the doors suddenly slammed shut. Everywhere it was empty. I was alone. I tried to pull the doors open but I couldn’t. Then I heard a strange humming sound and I looked down the empty carriage and I saw a flying metallic sphere shaped like an eggplant coming toward me. It was slowly moving from side to side and it looked like the sphere was looking for something. It came closer and I told my Self don’t try and hide underneath a seat. When it came right up to me I saw it was covered with eyes, my eyes, pale blue eyes, and then it turned upright and was only a foot away from me hovering, looking at me. Then I fainted. I awoke in a hospital and people were looking at me. They asked me how I felt and they said I was lucky to be alive. How, I asked. They gave me a mirror and I saw my face was bandaged up. They said I got burned but they don’t know by what. I told them it was a metallic sphere that did it. What kind of sphere they asked and I gave them a description. They didn’t say anything after that and I stayed in hospital for three months. Nobody said anything to me about what I saw the whole time I was there. Even when I left to go home.
When I saw another shape flying toward me it too came very low and it very slowly passed over me. I was in my car driving up the freeway to Newcastle one Sunday morning when it happened. While it was doing this it felt like everything stood still. I wasn’t moving anymore. I just stopped. Everything around me stopped. I couldn’t move while this shape was around me. It was about 8 o’clock in the morning. Then it went away. When I got to my destination I found I was about a half an hour earlier than when I expected I would be. I told my friends what happened to me but they didn’t believe me.
I told my Self I must be seeing my Self. Another time I was in the middle of sleep when suddenly I was awake but I felt like I was still dreaming. Something told me to go and look out my bedroom mirror. I saw a bright star like object moving across the sky to the right of where I stood. Then it started dropping to where I could see it in a nearby park. It looked like an upside down ice-cream cone. I got dressed and went to the park to look at it. I wasn’t scared because I was dreaming and I knew that this was my Self coming to visit me. I felt really joyful when I saw it. It was surrounded by a beautiful soft light and my eyes were looking out into the world around it. I felt like this was the most perfect night ever. I could see everything. Little animals and insects, the grass and trees as though in photo negatives they were more perfect than what nature created, and the stars in the sky, how vivid and barren they were to me. I was there I think for about an hour and then the cone flew off. I felt really sad. I went back to bed overcome with tiredness but feeling elated that I saw my Self. The next morning I knew that it wasn’t a dream.
I remember when I was a very young child my mother telling me that the little bright lights that surrounded my crib was my Self and I am really lucky to see it. When I grew out of my crib my mother took it and the little fairy lights away. I asked my mother if I will still see my Self and she said yes. I asked her if she’s seen her Self and she said no. I then asked her if she saw mine and she said no again. She said I was a very special person because I am the only one who can see my Self, but I am more grown up now and I will see it in a grownup way. I didn’t know what she meant for a very long time until I began to see the spheres.
At first I didn’t recognize them as my Self. It was only when some of them had my eyes that I began to believe it was my Self. But they came to me in so many shapes and sizes I doubted whether they were my Self. I thought they might have been other people’s selves, maybe dead people like they have in séances. When my mother was alive and I told her what I saw, she said it how wonderful and marvelous it was that I could see my Self this way. Then she died and when I told other people what I saw they didn’t believe me.
I wonder why I think I should prove that I see my Self. Does it really matter? It is enough that I am convinced in my mind, and I’m not hurting anyone. I haven’t told anyone to go and look for their Self. People will see theirs if they want to. I consider myself an ordinary person who has a job and friends, and I hope to marry one day and have a family. I am anxious sometimes when I feel especially alone. Other people should believe me. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about it so much. I can think to myself that I am special like my mother said, and I don’t even have go around saying how special I am. I guess I want people to have the same experience I have. It’s such a joyous thing seeing my Self. And when I see it I see so much else. The world could be a better place if people saw their selves. I think it’d be too hard anyway. Some of my friends think I’m nuts. And I’m a little scared of strangers, who know nothing about me, and how they would react if I told them, unless I was convinced their minds were open and people were ready to listen.