The Wit-Chunt: or How Hogan Got Rid of Parliament, the enemy of the Australian People

And now there are signs on the streets of Canberra, great and marvellous, signs of ex bureaucrats pointing to a great purge; for in them is filled the wrath of the people. And there was a sea of Pavlova mingled with the finest beer: and there’s Hogan who was victorious over Parliament, and over their works, and over their shamefulness, and over the numbers of their games: his name stands on a plinth in the middle of the sea of Pavlova, having the time of its life.

Hogan is the Hero of Australia. Wherever he went in Australia there came seven bbq’s and in the seventh bbq were seven guitars, as well as seven drums and seven trumpets. The seventh bbq being all-inclusive of the end-time events including the seven trumpets, and the seventh trumpet including the events described in the seven bbq’s. The influence of Hogan follows the order of events immediately after the seventh bbq had been extinguished by a Bondi Beach breaker.

And finally there are seven Cricketers who bring seven plagues as the final reckoning of Parliament.  Wrath filled plagues filled with Hogan’s anger toward Parliament and which was his final expression of Aussie righteousness before his unwilling exile to America.

And the people will sing the song of Pub, the server of counter meals, and the song of the Thong, saying how great and marvellous are their works; just and true are their ways. Who shall not like them, and other Aussie icons, and glorify their names? For they are holy: for all residents shall come and worship them; for their importance are made manifest.

The praise sung by the people in glory of Hogan is expressed in the song of Pub, the server of counter meals, and the song of the Thong. The Pub song recounts the faithfulness to drinking beer after mass chunder and fighting, by punters who make the ultimate sacrifice after time spent in the Police lock up. The song of the Thong speaks of the protection of footpaths and hot sands through the sacrifice of rubber on simmering surfaces.

Sometimes the song of Pub is used when Collingwood supporters sing of their side’s triumph over Carlton. The song of Pub secretly speaks to the supporters of the Party when the Prime Minister has been ousted. This shows a comprehensive picture of the Prime Minister’s faithfulness to Canberra, and the ultimate purpose of defeating the enemies of Parliament, the people.

Praise ascribed to Pub begins with the statement of how great and marvellous are its works, Pub Almighty. This unusual expression is carried over to the works of Pub as great in extent and marvellous and wonderful: that is, arousing wonder and astonishment, which applies to the works of Pub in the city or in the outback, which anticipates great work after it has opened for another day of drinking. The Pub in relation to its patrons is as in the past, the present, and the future, though it is always in the present until Pub runs out of beer. Pub is also described as thirsty and bluey in its ways. Pub is thirsty, in that it is perfectly like the Simpson Desert. It is bluey because it keeps its promises.

The context of the Pub patrons’ wishful thinking is indicated by the question of who could not possibly like Pub and other Aussie icons, and glorify their names. Though there are wowsers who neither like Pub nor glorify it in their mad unbelief. Yet the day will come when they will like Pub and accept Pub as an Aussie icon.

The concluding phrase in the song speaks of the divine companionship which is revealed, by speaking of divine blokiness as opposed to the wickedness of wowserism. The righteous judgment from blokes proceeds from the meaning of Pub as poetry: Pub which is almighty, true blue, wet, smelly, and too worthy of worship. Hogan you bewdy!

And behold, the house of the Trap Door Spider was opened and seven Cricketers clothed in pure and white linen, and having their pads girded with golden girdles came out bearing the seven plagues. The lid flipped open, and seven Cricketers come out of the hole as though they had completed a run or bowled a maiden over. The place, into which the Selectors go and never return, also brings forth these Cricketers who are in true blue form. Each of the Cricketers is carrying a replica of the Ashes urn containing the seven plagues to be used by Hogan to curse Parliament whose snouts are so deep into the public trough they no longer see their rorting of the public purse.

The whole scene is most symbolic of what is about to happen. The Cricketers coming out of the hole will make judgments through the anger of Hogan, the hero of Australia who does the right things.  The Cricketer’s gold pads reflect the glory of Hogan, so that these Cricketers are pouring out Hogan’ righteous judgments on Parliament and bringing glory to Hogan. And the scene was filled with coloured smoke from the glory of Hogan, and his power; and no patron shall enter pubs until the seven plagues of the seven Cricketers are expired. The sign of abstinence was an ominous sign of impending doom for these Parliamentarians who persist in their rorting in complete disregard of the will of the people.

And now the speaker of parliament is identified so that Hogan can speak with him. The person is often the symbol of the government, and what is said of the government can be said of him or her.  They make the speaker a Cane Toad and they respect the Cane Toad which gives power unto the parliament: and they worship parliament, saying: Who is like unto parliament? Who is able to make war with it? We can do what we want. We make our own rules. There was given unto the Cane Toad a speaker’s mouth making great promises but with a forked tongue; and power was given unto him to continue until he would be voted out. Then another would assume the Cane Toad.  And he or she will open his mouth in blasphemy against the people, to blaspheme their names, and rort the people’s treasury.

And Hogan does great wonders, in that he makes fire come out of the bbq.  And he deceives them that dwell in Government by the means of bbq miracles which he has power to do in the sight of Parliament; saying to them that dwell in there, that they should make an image of him, which smiles like a freshly opened can of beer, and boy do the people love it!

And Hogan has the power to give life unto the image of him that can both speak and cause Parliament to be evicted. And Hogan can cause all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a hot snag in their right hand and not burn.  And so, all wave a snag in unison above their heads for the Cricketers to then unleash their plagues unto Parliament.

The First Cricketer: Water to Liquid Compost

Hogan said to the Cricketer, “The Cane Toad’s heart is hard; he refuses to release the people from Parliament. Go to the Cane Toad in the morning when he’s sipping his first glass of mineral water. Position yourself to meet him by the edge of the dining table, and take in your hand the cricket bat which will look like a black snake. Tell him, ‘Hogan, The Hero of Australia, has sent me to you to say, “Get you and your parliamentary mates into the Simpson desert!  Until now you have not listened to the people.” Thus says the cricketer about Hogan: “By this you will know that he is Hogan: Through him I am going to strike the water in your glass with the staff that is in my hand, and it will be turned into liquid compost. All your water will fester, the water will stink, and you and your Parliamentarian mates will be unable to drink water from your cabinets.”

Then Hogan said to the Cricketer: ‘Take your cricket bat and stretch out your hand over Parliament’s plumbing – over the taps, over the urinals and toilets, over their showers and over all their water reserves – so that all becomes liquid compost. There will be compost everywhere in Parliament, even in wooden bowls and china cups.” The cricketer did so, just as Hogan had commanded. The cricketer raised his cricket bat and struck the pipes that were underneath Parliament right before the eyes of  Cane Toad the Speaker and his bureaucrats, and all the water that was in the pipes was turned to liquid compost. When the water that was in Parliament perished, the rooms and corridors began to stink, so that the Parliamentarians could no longer drink the water.

There was compost everywhere in Parliament. But the magicians of Parliament, the advisors, did the same by their secret arts and turned the compost back into water, and so Cane Toad’s heart remained hard, and he refused to listen to the Cricketer and Hogan. And Cane Toad turned and went back down the corridors of Parliament. He did not pay any attention to the mess around. All the Parliamentarians got out bottled water until the compost in the pipes became water again, just as Hogan had thought.

The Second Cricketer: Mosquitoes

And Hogan said to the Cricketer: “Extend your cricket bat and strike the dust of the ground, and it will become mosquitoes throughout the area of Parliament.’” The Cricketer went to Parliament and he extended his hand with his cricket bat and he struck the dust of the ground, and the dust became mosquitoes which flew as swarms into Parliament. When the advisors brought forth cans of Mortein by their secret arts, the Parliamentarians began their frantic spraying. The advisors said to Cane Toad, “These mosquitoes are the finger of Hogan!” And the Cane Toad’s heart remained hard, and he did not listen to their fears, just as Hogan had anticipated.

The Third Cricketer: Flies

Hogan said to the Cricketer: “Get up early in the morning and position yourself before Cane Toad as he goes out to the toilet, and tell him, ‘Thus, says Hogan, release the people from Parliament.  If you do not release them, then I am going to send swarms of flies on you and on your fellow parliamentarians and on your bureaucrats and in your offices. The house of Parliament will be full of flies, and even the floor they stand on.  And I will mark off the land nearby Canberra, where the people are staying, so that no swarms of flies will be there, that you may know that Hogan is hero in the midst of this land. I will put a division between Hogan’ people and your people. This sign will take place tomorrow.”A thick swarm of flies came into the Cane Toad’s toilet while he sat there and into the offices of all parliamentarians, and throughout the whole building which was ruined because of the swarms of flies. And when there was nothing dead left the flies flew away.

And Cane Toad hardened his heart again and did not release the people from Parliament, as Hogan expected.

The Fourth Cricketer: Computer Viruses

Then Hogan said to the Cricketer: “Go to the Cane Toad and tell him that Hogan, Hero of the People, says “Release the people from Parliament. For if you refuse to release them and continue holding them, then the hand of Hogan will surely bring a very terrible computer virus on your computers in the office, mobile phones in the field, on anything digital and connected to the Internet.”

The Cricketer set an appointed time, saying, “Tomorrow Hogan will do this in Parliament.” And Hogan did this on the next day; all Parliamentary devices copped a computer virus and shut down immediately. The Cane Toad sent engineers to investigate, and indeed, all computers and devices had died. But the Cane Toad’s heart remained hard, and he did not release the people from Parliament.

The Fifth Cricketer: The Itches

Then Hogan said to the Cricketer: “Take gatherings from the Lantana plant, and throw them in the air while the Cane Toad is watching on Parliament’s front lawn. It will become fine dust over the whole of Parliament and will cause rashes to break out and fester on the Parliamentarians and their bureaucrats.” So the Cricketer took gatherings from the Lantana plant and he stood before the Cane Toad, and threw the gatherings into the air, and it caused rashes and itches to break out on the Parliamentarians and their bureaucrats.

The advisors could not stand before the Cricketer because of the itches, for the itches were on the advisors and on all the Parliamentarians. But Hogan hardened the Cane Toad’s heart, and he did not complain with them, just as Hogan had predicted to the Cricketer.

The Sixth Cricketer: Vegemite

Hogan said to the Cricketer: “Get up early in the morning, stand before the Cane Toad, and tell him, ‘therefore, says Hogan, the Hero of Australia. Release the people so that they are no longer served by Parliament.  For this time if you refuse I will send one of my best plagues on your very self and on your fellow parliamentarians and your advisors, so that you may know that there is no one like me on all the earth. I will cover you and your fellow parliamentarians with Vegemite, and you will concede.  And for this purpose I show you my strength, and so that my name is declared great in all of Australia! You are exalting yourself against the people by not releasing them. I am going to cause tonnes of Vegemite to spread about tomorrow, such Vegemite as has never occurred in Parliament from the day it was founded until now. So now, send instructions to gather your paperwork and all your stationary to a safe place. Every Parliamentarian caught in the building and not brought out – the Vegemite will come down on them, and they will be as the Vegemite spread on toast!”

Those of Cane Toad’s advisors who feared the word of Hogan hurried to take themselves and their belongings to a safe place but those who did not take the word of Hogan seriously left their belongings in the parliamentary building.

Then Hogan said to the Cricketer, “Extend your cricket bat toward the roof of Parliament that there may be Vegemite come in there through the air conditioning ducts, on Parliamentarians and on bureaucrats, and on everything that sits in the building.  When the cricketer extended his cricket bat toward the roof, Hogan sent in Vegemite. Vegemite oozed and mingled with the infrastructure; the Vegemite was so severe that there had not been anything like it in Parliament since it came into existence in 1901. The Vegemite stuck to everything in the building, and the Parliamentarians and bureaucrats who stayed behind.

Then the Cane Toad summoned the Cricketer and he said to him, “I have certainly stuffed up this time! Hogan is righteous, and I and my fellow parliamentarians are guilty. Tell Hogan the Vegemite is too much!”

The Cricketer said to the Cane Toad, “When I leave the vicinity I will show my cricket bat to Hogan, spread my padded legs, and the Vegemite will cease, and there will be no more black goo, so that you may know that Parliament belongs to the people. But as for you and your fellow Parliamentarians, I know that you do not yet fear Hogan.”

So the Cricketer left the Cane Toad, went out of Canberra, and spread out his legs to Hogan, and the Vegemite flow ceased, and the goo stopped pouring out of the air conditioning ducts. When the Cane Toad saw that the flow of Vegemite ceased, he changed his mind: and both he and his fellow Parliamentarians hardened their hearts. So the Cane Toad’s heart remained hard, and he did not release the people from Parliament, as Hogan had predicted to the Cricketer.

The Seventh Cricketer: Cockroaches

Hogan said to the Cricketer, “Go to the Cane Toad, for I have obviously hardened his heart and the heart of his fellow Parliamentarians when showing the signs of my disapproval before him. I must make examples of the Parliamentarians using my anger, so that they know that I am the hero of Australia.”

So the Cricketer went to the Cane Toad and said to him, “Thus says Hogan, the hero of Australia: ‘How long do you refuse to humble yourself before me? Release the people from Parliament! If you still refuse to release the people, I am going to bring cockroaches into Parliament tomorrow. They will cover every surface of the floor, so that you will be unable to see it. They will eat the remainder of what has escaped, what is left over for you from the Vegemite. They will fill the Senate chamber, the House of Representatives chamber, all the offices, the offices of your advisors, and all the offices the bureaucrats, such as your predecessors have never seen until this day!’” Then the Cricketer angrily turned and went away from the Cane Toad.

The Cane Toad’s advisors said to him, “How long will this Hogan be a menace to us? Release the people so that they may be properly served by Parliament. Do you not know that Parliament is nearly destroyed?”

A day later the Cricketer went back to the Cane Toad who said to him, “Go with Hogan and serve the people yourself!  Hogan will need to be with you when you serve the people like Parliament does. And watch out! Trouble will be right there in front of you!” Then the cricketer was driven out of the Cane Toad’s presence.

Hogan said to the Cricketer, “Extend your cricket bat over Parliament for the cockroaches to come into the Parliamentary building and eat everything that is there and cover every inch of the floor.” So the Cricketer extended his cricket bat over Parliament, followed by a hot west wind all that day and all that night. The morning came, and the cockroaches came followed by the hot west wind. The cockroaches went up over all the Parliament building and inside it and settled down in it. It was very severe; there had been no cockroaches like them before, nor will there ever be again.  They covered the floor of the entire building, so it became dark with them, and they ate all the rest of the fine food that the Vegemite had left uncovered. Nothing remained visible except cockroaches throughout the whole of the parliamentary building.

Then Cane Toad quickly summoned the Cricketer and said, “I have ignored Hogan the Hero of Australia for too long. So now, forgive my ignorance this time only, and hope Hogan would only take this humiliation away from me.” The Cricketer went out from Cane Toad and spoke to Hogan. And Hogan turned a very strong east wind, and it picked up the cockroaches and blew them into the Inland Sea. Not one cockroach remained in all of Parliament. But Hogan softened the Cane Toad’s heart and he released the people from Parliament, just as he predicted, because he was Hogan the Hero of Australia.

 

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