“I am of the voice which is heard in business actions. I am one voice joined with another. I am the action of the authorative voice which determines me. Because I am an unchanging voice, I am called by he who is joined to everything about this business, and soon, to you.” So begins Jim Spears, Chief of Corporate Deception at Irreverent Technologies, who is conducting the first training session on Irreverent’s degenerate selling methods for its newest recruits.
“My trainee sales executives, young men and women in motivation, pay close attention to this inspirational talk most necessary, and hear it as though it is the mother of all sales addresses. You have earned the right to hear the mystery of salesmanship so long hidden by the corporate world’s resistance to it. Here is your chance to accept it as something worth hearing. And at the end of my talk there’ll be questions, and afterwards we’ll celebrate the beginning of a new dawn of degenerate selling which will never be less for aeons.
But first something of myself which I’ve kept secret until now. I am now androgynous. I am a man and a woman. I copulate with myself. I am the womb which gives shape to the birth of our company’s profit by the light shining on the splendour of the closing deal. I am the fraternal and maternal system of selling success. I am the fulfilment of all, the glory of the deal. I freely cast my speech into your ears because you need to know me to understand me. This is why I am chief of Corporate Deception.”
At this revelation not a murmur, no whisper, no squeaking of chairs in the conference hall could be heard.
“I am unique and I sell undefiled. I am derived from the father of the company who is my voice, speaking in many ways, completing all. His knowledge rapes me; a knowledge of salesmanship everlasting. I speak in all that is sales, and in all that is a mean to results, though my methods are yet to be fully appreciated. But through you I will! I lift my voice to your ears, over there, down there, up there (the hall is normally used for concerts and dance), you future children of the sales delight.
“Now, I am often in the likeness of a female so as to speak with women as targets. Some joke and call me Tootsie. After I laugh I tell them of the Irreverent products just new to the market and I teach them about the beginning of our eternal contract they will sign on to, the contract which need neither change nor updating, the contract in which Irreverent’s guarantees will also never change. The women clients shall be purified in the process, feeling the power of their eternal relationship with Irreverent when finally I reveal myself as merely a sublime likeness to my masculinity. I settle with anyone who is worthy of the thought that Irreverent Technologies exists to make them brighter and better.
“Look, I am revealing my mysteries to you because you are my future brothers and sisters in sales, and this is the perfect opportunity for you to get to know me in this intimate motivational setting. You can be sure the necessary victual lubricants and finger food are awaiting you at the main break. Then we’ll know how relaxed you really are, eh! Now my mystery exists in the ineffable, inexpressible realm of closing the deal. I will teach that the mysteries of selling are in each of your individual voices and in your perfect intellect, and that I am merely the humble motivator for you all here, and I hope that I will strengthen your resolve to become the best sales executives in the business.
“There are times when I’ve had recourse to reveal myself in the corporate toilets. Scenarios like this you must learn. For nowhere else but in toilets are potential clients as vulnerable. I reveal myself in the likeness of their situation. I wear the appropriate business garment. I hide myself in them, and they don’t know who it is demonstrating such a cunning front. For I work in all dominions and powers, among the angels of business and in every movement of corporate matter. I appear in traditional business dress until I reveal myself to these brothers and sisters. They think they are masters of business and profit, because they know everything. Ignorant they are, for they do not know the root and source of their growth.”
Jim is pleased with himself because he has total command of the silence.
“Now, something about the foundation mystery of our business and of its forces. During the birth of ideas success cried out for a beacon, a paramour; hours stretch into more hours, and creative days follow on from dense days. Months revealed months, and productive time followed clock time. Our Florida business was founded in this fashion, and as quickly as is thought, and as a fingers point and as eyelids flutter, Irreverent Technologies was in business and making money. Then our competitors knew that the time of our fulfilment had come, just as the time of the company’s birth pangs came, and the time of instruction approached, and then the stock market trembled, as did the foundations of the business world and its glass ceilings shook, and our great desire to succeed shone in its midst, and the very foundations of success began to shake.
“And a great movement of figures began the careful allotments of our stock and the apportionment of our interests. The thrones of the traditional powers were disturbed because they were suddenly unsure, and their boards were afraid. And those who saw what was happening talked in meetings about the disturbances Irreverent Technologies has caused: so shaking up the industry that assured business models soon came under revision, else they, as companies, were sure to go into receivership as quickly as their general managers could finish off the word cucumber. My fellow sales executives they were at a loss because they did not know what had caused Irreverent Technologies.
“But now I need say that at this point it is time for you to meet our founder and chairman Bick Gezellschaft, the reason for my being. And really, he is very approachable.
“A few who wanted to know Bick’s cause came to him for an informal chat. But they started off by being rude to him. They asked “What kind of boasting is this? And are you saying that you are a business god?” Now look here, Bick is no supernatural being. They just couldn’t recognize themselves in him, believing that Bick is foreign with unnatural origins. Admittedly they were probably a little terrified when they first saw him. Certainly a giant cockroach dressed up in a white business suit and sitting upright on a large rusty can might be a little disconcerting. But one must look beneath Bick’s outer shell and they will see a being just like us, one who is determined to remain resilient.
“These questioners ran away and they wept bitterly. Serves them right. What disrespect! Word got around that the weeping for destruction grew near and far and business deaths were showing up in the tea leaves, and shadows grew out of the darkness of defeat. In their rudeness and desire for Bick to fall over, their minds became home to an ignorant chaos from which they have never recovered.
“I invite you into our company’s high perfect light. And when you enter its light, you will be glorified by all who give glory to success, and all who put their hero Bick on a pedestal, and be sure they will do the same for you. This is our promise. You will receive bonuses from those who give bonuses, the anointers will anoint you, and you will become exceedingly glorious, the way you were when you were first born.
“I’d like now for you to hear from Bick himself. This is a welcoming speech he prepares for the newest members of his company. His cockroach utterings are nevertheless voiced over, although to maintain integrity the English words will be raspy and guttural. Sorry about that. And subtitles are also available on your laptops when you open the Word file Scrape. Remember this is a very important message that you are about to hear. Only a special cockroach can grow a successful technology and only the highest skilled graduates like you will grasp the nettle.”
A PowerPoint projection of Bick the giant cockroach standing erect supported by a walking cane, and standing on a dirty mattress, appears upon a large screen, and after a bit of laptop tinkering by Jim Bick begins to speak.
“Greetings to our company’s newest sales executives from Bick. And please accept the informalities. I don’t like wearing suits in class. After all, I am no different to you, really. I begin by saying that I am the words in the ineffable voice, words which you’ve heard Jim saying, which are really my words and Jim, my trusted right hand man here, has been channelling into you. I am undefiled light, and my inspiration first came through a speech given by a pest controller at a pest control conference who wanted all cockroaches dead. My father was there and he passed his anger and indignation onto me. I was soon inspired to succeed beyond my expected measure. We have our place, and now a very big place in the world of Irreverent technology which I hope you all here will continue to grow.”
As Bick the cockroach spoke the recruits silence shone the light of Bick’s wisdom as when it first appeared way back when Bick was merely human but ambitious. It was his mother alone in the silence that was when Bick’s father had recently died, and Bick alone became the ineffable, incorruptible, immeasurable, and inconceivable word of success. The word grew in hidden light at night, initially slow to bear the fruits of his ideas, pouring living money from out the invisible, immeasurable spring of his mother’s bank account. The source of Bick’s sales wisdom is of course the inimitable voice of his mother’s glory: Bick, the glory as his parents offspring, though a little strange, but filled with hidden intellect from an early age, and the full source and root of the question of his existence and the answer to his problem, which is what to do with himself as a speaking feeling cockroach.
“I am the light of success illuminating all. I am light happy for my brother and sister sales executives. I came to the world of business because of the spirit in what grew in me and which came from the innocent Maria, my mother. I came and delivered and took that which my dead father once had. I took from him his waning ambition, and I stripped him of the chaos in uttermost darkness, the whole abyss, that was his cancer, which then became my own corporate and physical thought. All these I put on and made it my own. And I stripped myself of inferior thought and clothed myself in shining light: the knowledge of the thought of founding my own company, and having staff like you to serve, and sharing with you Irreverent Technologies’ success.”
There was a pause and Jim beckoned the new recruits to come forward. One by one the new recruits were greeted by Jim Spears with a handshake and a gentle squeeze of the crotch, and then they stripped down to their underwear and they were given an aubergine gilt edged robe and a new name. Names like Nommah, Ossale, Rickim, Liareb, Adirolf; exotic names which they will use when introducing themselves to prospective clients after their training is complete. Bick then spoke.
“Ah now I am entering you, having removed your street identity and replacing it with the Irreverent one. Indeed, through you in I reveal myself as the One a client must engage with, and my appearance cannot be an excuse. I am their future beloved, for in that place I clothe myself as the cockroach son of my chief creator, my father, and I am like him and shall be so until the end of my regime, when ignorance becomes chaos, before one of you, or one other metamorphose into the suitable cockroach. And among the sales angels who reach their targets will I reveal myself in my likeness, as though a father among human children, even as I am cockroach to you all right now!”
Having been hidden from the new sales recruits Bick then jumped forward and revealed himself to them, they so young and inexperienced who are soon to be his, these be-robed sales executives. He has taught them the first lesson in how to disarm resistance, the method of total surprise. Like guerrillas they will learn to be impassable when faced with the resistance and the hesitation. Only the cockroach approach guarantees success but that is a long way off. There are sales glories to be had which are higher than other winning glories, which must be completed by the virtue of cockroach intellect. They are wearing Bick when they are out on assignment. They wear Bick, and they will not forget him because the pain in their groins will remain as will the methodology that Bick and Jim are about to inject.
And after much intensity it was time for a break and for morning tea.