A Case of Mistaken Identity: an alien abduction testimonial

I’d been to a fancy dress party; I was dressed up like a bishop you see. The party was a few blocks away from my place so I could have a few drinks, not too many mind you, I’m careful now that I’m older, and I could walk back home. It was a clear mid summer’s night. A good night to be out and about. Anyway as I was walking past The Ballroom I saw a Beamer parked on the opposite side of the road. I’d passed that car on my way to the party. Its lights were out. I saw two blokes leaning on it. And another two blokes were coming towards me on the side of the road I was on. I was the only one around. The street was empty. The blokes walking toward me looked really tall and skinny, like American basketball players. I’m six foot but as these guys got closer they towered over me. They stopped me and one of them asked for ID. He said they were from The Special Investigations Unit. They looked important. Their dark suits looked like they were made of feathers or something. I showed them my license I had in my back pocket. The bishop gear I was wearing was just a long fancy curtain my wife made up into a robe with an old red cord tied around my middle, and the bishop hat I found in novelty shop. Underneath I was wearing jeans, a shirt and a jumper. Then I felt something hard in my back and I was ordered to go to the Beamer across the road. I got in the back seat and the two tall blokes got in beside me one on each side. The other two were already in the car. I said I’ve done nothing wrong and to let me go. The one that spoke to me said they’ll go to their headquarters and check me out and then they’ll take me home again. Nobody else spoke. Then this car felt like it took off into the air. I dunno. That’s what it felt like. It was like whoosh. Everything went dark. I felt like I was in a tiny airplane. Then I saw a road with trees on each side and it felt like we were landing. Then the Beamer drove along this road for awhile and we came to a building in the middle of nowhere. The building looked like a giant block of concrete or something. There didn’t seem to be a door. The guy who spoke to me went over and I saw the walls come apart and then we all got out and we went inside with me hooked onto the arms of two blokes. I was forcibly carried in. When I got in there was a dim light hanging off the ceiling and I couldn’t see much. One of the blokes walked under it for a second and I saw his ears. They looked like they were pointy like Mr Spock. You know in Star Trek. There was a chair underneath the light and I was sat on it. The blokes stood back looking at me. I couldn’t make them out much. Their suits were feathered like I said. And they had lumpy backs like something was squashed underneath their suits. But I couldn’t see their faces. They must be pretty important people. They’re so tall! The one who spoke to me on the street said I was staying there. He said they were going to check up on me and that I wasn’t going anywhere until I checked out alright. Then two blokes stepped out of the light for a few seconds and then they were back carrying long rods. I thought what are they going to do to me? I haven’t done anything. I started to panic. But I couldn’t get off the chair. Then they started laying into me. I put my hands up to protect my face and they kept beating me. The one who’s been saying the words started saying I deserved this and it’s time I paid for what I did. I heard words like dirty bastard, filthy church man, scum Savile shite. I didn’t know what was going on. What did I do? And these two kept laying into me all over my body. I had it coming to me the speaking bloke said. Then they stopped. The other one who wasn’t doing the beating or talking dropped something in my lap. It was a tray with a teapot and a cup and biscuits on it. The speaking bloke told me to have some tea. I refused and I cried I wanted to go home. They took the tray away and I could hear them drinking and the speaking bloke talking some weird gibberish to the others. When they finished their tea they came toward me again. I was yelling at them leave me alone. I didn’t do anything. Look this is just a costume. I was thinking they were a vigilante group or something. A lot of stuff has been in the media about dirty old men playing with kids. Church men and blokes like that Jimmy Savile. Did they mean me? Friends of mine used to joke that I looked like that creep Savile. They’ve mistaken me for someone else! I’m just a nice nobody. The speaking bloke said I wasn’t going home. There was no way I was getting out of this. They started hitting and punching me. All of them this time. I couldn’t move and I was cowering and crying and screaming while they kept laying into me. The pain felt like my whole body was being broken. And then they suddenly stopped. I just sat there feeling like a battered animal. I must have been bruised everywhere. Then the speaking bloke said some gibberish to another one who went away. I thought I heard something that sounded like paedophile. Then I felt something tight around my neck and I thought no no no, they’re going to hang me. I started to scream again even though it was so painful. Then two of them stood me up and then they lifted me up to the ceiling. I was dangling in the air and choking and then I lost consciousness. When I woke up I was lying in long grass and I couldn’t move. I just lay there for a long time thinking weird thoughts and trying to remember what happened to me. I don’t know how long I was there. It was light when I woke up but then it went dark. It might have been me or it might have been days turning into nights or both. There was no-one around and it was very quiet. I was in terrible pain and something was around my neck. I managed to get it off me and it was my bishop’s cord. It looked like it had snapped. Finally I started to move and I looked around. I saw that the grass was flat nearby and when I sat up I traced the flat grass around until I realised it was shaped like a square. The flat bit was about a metre wide. The high grass inside would have been about three metres across.

I went to the hospital and they said they’ve never seen so much bruising and that I was lucky to be alive. Then the police came. I told them everything I knew. I couldn’t describe these blokes except they were real tall and skinny and they wore shiny suits. I remembered the pointy ears. I remembered their funny gibberish but I couldn’t repeat any of it. The police didn’t say much and they probably thought I was drunk and mad and I’d rolled down a hill or something. The people who picked me up saw the strange shaped grass and they couldn’t work it out. But when the police finally went there the shape was gone. So it’s all a mystery really. My friends have been good to me. I said I wasn’t going to any fancy parties anymore. If I ever change my mind I don’t think I’ll go dressed up like a bishop again.

 

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